Talking with Your Children about Sex, Sexuality, and Gender

American statesman Benjamin Franklin was quoted to say: “…in this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” Perhaps we could add to Franklin’s list the need to talk with children about sex, sexuality, and gender. The importance of “The Talk,” as it has become known, is more critical than ever in this day in age.

Parents and caregivers often fear “The Talk” (aka “The Birds and the Bees”). A big part of the reason behind that is that the ways in which we live out and express God’s good gifts of sex, sexuality, and gender are so broken by sin that we feel shame when we even talk about them (John 3:20). Everyone reading this post has either sinfully misused these aspects of their personhood or lives with the shameful legacy of the ways in which these gifts of sex, sexuality, and gender have distorted and misused over the course of human history. The result? We feel shame over something that God created as good and meant for human flourishing.

But God doesn’t want his people to continually experience shame regarding sex, sexuality, and gender. Through the work of the Holy Spirit changing the hearts and minds of God’s people, God is “making all things new” (Revelation 21:5). That process is going on now—meaning that in this generation, God’s Spirit empowers his people to think and act differently, in conformity to his will and design for creation. In other words, you, as one who trusts in Jesus, have the ability to help your children understand God’s good intentions for sex, sexuality, and gender. You have the ability to help turn back some of the cultural contamination of these good gifts.

How? First, by trusting in the Lord to give you the courage and wisdom to explain these things to your children. But second, by actually teaching biblical sex, sexuality, and gender to your children.

If you email us at Children’s Jubilee Fund, we’ll be glad to send you the pdf of a short book entitled Helping Your Child Understand Sex, Sexuality and Gender. That book will give you a more in-depth idea of how to not only have “The Talk” with your child, but how to help your child establish lifelong patterns of accountability and repentance.

But here are a few ways from the final chapter of that book to get you started:

1. 1. Pray for your own heart. Pray that your son’s or daughter’s heart would be softened and that they would receive God’s truth and the earnest (though sometimes awkward) love of their parent.
   2. Pray for the courage to not only initiate the first installment of the conversation, but that you would be faithful to initiate installments throughout the process. You, as the parent, must take the lead in this. You must always be the one to ask the questions and keep the ball rolling. That isn’t easy, but God will grant you the self-control and courage to make it possible.
   3. Don’t be afraid of hearing your son or daughter say hard things about what they’ve seen, done or thought. It’s there already. Isn’t it better for the truth to come into the light rather that it remain in the dark? Your child’s sin or struggle doesn’t change who he or she is. Resist the temptation to view your child as “damaged goods.” Rather, pray for spiritual eyes to see this as an opportunity to lead your son or daughter in repentance, so that they would truly become the godly man or woman they were created to be.
   4. Set aside a day and time to sit down with your child. This is a serious conversation, so treat it as such. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted. Set aside enough time (One hour? Two?) to really dig down deeply.
   5. Ask questions. Don’t lecture. Always gather information from your child and then reflect back to them either observations or questions from what you hear. Reason with your son or daughter, to help them grapple with the primary question: Where does what I believe match or fail to agree with what God says?
   6. Don’t be afraid to dwell in certain places for long times. Perhaps one question or one point of doctrine will keep you engaged for a week or a month. God is patient with you. Pray for endurance to reflect that same patience to your son or daughter.
   7. Don’t be tempted to think that you need to be the one to convince your son or daughter of the truth. You are a messenger. The Holy Spirit is the one who, in the proper time, gives grace to believe and to change worldviews and behavior. You do your job, and allow him to do his.
   8. Don’t be afraid to be awkward. Perhaps you’ve never talked about these topics with anyone else. That’s not a reason to not move forward with your son or daughter. Trust that the Lord will be at work in the conversation even in the midst of your awkwardness, bringing results that you can’t even imagine. Don’t you think that your child will be impacted by your candor, your love, your patience, your willingness to talk about the hard things, the deep things of his or her heart? That impact might take a while to evidence itself—but your child will love and respect you more—and will love God more—as he or she sees you suffering in order to show them selfless love.
   9. Ask others to talk and pray with you. Don’t go this alone. Without betraying any confidences your child might share with you, ask your spouse and/or a trusted Christian friend to help you process what you’re hearing from your child, and how you’re responding to it. The Lord wants to use this process not only to grow your child’s faith and spiritual maturity, but your own, as well.
   10. Model in your own life the very accountability you’re pursuing with your son or daughter. Do so with your spouse, and with a trusted same-sex friend. Learn how to counsel and lead your son or daughter as you live out the very transparency, vulnerability and trust that you encourage in them.

Again, if you’d like a pdf of the entire book, please email us and we’ll be glad to send it to you.